By JUSTIN UMALI
There is no higher form of art than professional wrestling. It is at once high-action drama and a magnification of a society’s core values. We could talk for hours about how two guys fake-fighting in front of a crowd is the greatest thing ever, but for now, just believe me.
Now, let me, an expert scholar in professional wrestling history and credible source for international politics*, tell you about the greatest wrestler to ever walk this Earth: WWE Hall of Famer and 45th US President, Donald J. Trump.
You might be thinking, “Trump’s not a wrestler,” and you’d be wrong, imaginary strawman I’m pretending to talk to in order to strengthen my argument. He did wrestle. Not just in any match, either. Trump beat the man in to wrestling on its greatest stage: WWE owner Vince McMahon, right on Wrestlemania.
For those who don’t understand the significance of this, this is the equivalent to storming Malacanang Palace and arresting Duterte on charges of illegal possession of firearms and explosives because he was using the place as an NPA training ground. Beating the man at his own game, so to speak.
Now you’re thinking, “Who cares? It’s just fake-fighting.” I know this because you’re not a real person and I’m feeding you lines that I will carefully tear down. It’s not just fake-fighting. Trump didn’t just beat McMahon at a match. He beat McMahon using the power of capitalism.
Let me explain. Trump and McMahon have one thing in common, and it’s that they’re both ruthless billionaires. McMahon built the pro wrestling empire off the literal blood, sweat, and tears of non-unionized wrestlers and small-time promoters he forced into bankruptcy. Similarly, Trump created his empire off a small loan of a million dollars and multiple bankruptcy filings. So, for their match, Trump and McMahon did what they did best and had two minorities duke it out while they claim the credit.
Trump won, by which I mean Trump’s proxy Bobby Lashley beat McMahon’s proxy, Umaga, and Trump claimed the credit without really doing anything. After the match, Trump shaved McMahon’s head bald, and they celebrated, before special guest referee “Stone Cold” Steve Austin hit everybody with his own move and had a beer. Stone Cold, for the uninitiated, is the “everyman” wrestler who fought his boss McMahon for years and got away with it.
Why is this significant? The reason why Trump is the greatest wrestler ever is that he distilled the current course of history and turned it into a match. He looked at the world, saw who he is, and laid it bare in macho-feudal live-action theatre.
Naturally, Trump has elevated the discourse yet again. From distilling current events he is now creating it as US President. Now, he’s not just using the power of capitalism to wrestle; he’s the world’s champion of the global imperialist system.
I’m certain that Trump is running what is called in wrestling “a slow burn angle”, and you can’t convince me, a credible source for international politics*, otherwise. How else can you explain how somebody like Trump survive three years in office and get away with literal crimes? How else could Trump actually collude with a foreign government against his own people’s interests, and the worst thing the people could do is inquire if he should be impeached for it?
Can you imagine that happening in our country? A President lasting three years, actively committing crimes against the Filipino people, becoming a puppet of a foreign government, and getting away with it?
Why, that’s faker than pro wrestling.
* Source: me